I have felt pretty beaten down recently. I never want to get to the point where I am too stressed and busy to actively love the people around me. I have felt that way recently, for months now. Knowing that I am in such a state stresses me out even more because I lose all sense of purpose and feel as though I am wasting my life.
And I've also become disillusioned and cynical. I don't want to think up new ways of spreading God's love because I don't think I or anyone around me has the time or energy to actually implement it.
I look at the state of my heart with its many contradictions and apathies and get frustrated and burnt out. I want to be a better person, a stronger woman and a wonderful example. I want to sparkle with all of joy's brilliance and radiate an integrity-filled passion for following Jesus. I am not that person, and this knowledge beats me down even further.
It occurred to me recently that I am drawing from an empty well. I don't bother with a "daily personal devotions" because I figure, most Christians throughout the centuries didn't have devotional books or even Bibles. And frankly, it drives me nuts when people hype up setting aside 15 minutes a day to pray and read their Bible as the epitome of what it means to live your life for God.
And though I do not think its a biblical mandate to have daily personal devotions, I think I am missing something.
So, last night as it poured rain, my friend Katie and I decided to go out in it. I made us some flower crowns for our heads to remind ourselves that we were Children of the King. We clasped hands and we skipped, danced and sang worship song after worship song at the top of our lungs, even as our voices grew more and more hoarse and less and less lovely. It felt very Old-Testament-prophet-y and it was the most uninhibited thing I have done in a very long time. We skipped and danced and sang for God last night and for no one else. We stomped on through our student ghetto with conviction and laughter and I hope it made God smile. It was raining, and our wells began to fill.
Ultimately, it IS all about Jesus. ALL this is for Him, and though as long as I am on this earth, all I will ever be able to do is limp after Him haphazardly, I NEED to REGULARLY turn that limp into an awkward dance, enter into His presence and be filled up by Him. I NEED to spend time remembering that I am His beloved Child and I am not just a description of my various pointless activities or the sum of my mistakes. I am HIS and He has much to restore me with. I really should know by now that I am not supposed to go about spreading God's love without having first dwelt in Him myself.
