I have felt pretty beaten down recently. I never want to get to the point where I am too stressed and busy to actively love the people around me. I have felt that way recently, for months now. Knowing that I am in such a state stresses me out even more because I lose all sense of purpose and feel as though I am wasting my life.
And I've also become disillusioned and cynical. I don't want to think up new ways of spreading God's love because I don't think I or anyone around me has the time or energy to actually implement it.
I look at the state of my heart with its many contradictions and apathies and get frustrated and burnt out. I want to be a better person, a stronger woman and a wonderful example. I want to sparkle with all of joy's brilliance and radiate an integrity-filled passion for following Jesus. I am not that person, and this knowledge beats me down even further.
It occurred to me recently that I am drawing from an empty well. I don't bother with a "daily personal devotions" because I figure, most Christians throughout the centuries didn't have devotional books or even Bibles. And frankly, it drives me nuts when people hype up setting aside 15 minutes a day to pray and read their Bible as the epitome of what it means to live your life for God.
And though I do not think its a biblical mandate to have daily personal devotions, I think I am missing something.
So, last night as it poured rain, my friend Katie and I decided to go out in it. I made us some flower crowns for our heads to remind ourselves that we were Children of the King. We clasped hands and we skipped, danced and sang worship song after worship song at the top of our lungs, even as our voices grew more and more hoarse and less and less lovely. It felt very Old-Testament-prophet-y and it was the most uninhibited thing I have done in a very long time. We skipped and danced and sang for God last night and for no one else. We stomped on through our student ghetto with conviction and laughter and I hope it made God smile. It was raining, and our wells began to fill.
Ultimately, it IS all about Jesus. ALL this is for Him, and though as long as I am on this earth, all I will ever be able to do is limp after Him haphazardly, I NEED to REGULARLY turn that limp into an awkward dance, enter into His presence and be filled up by Him. I NEED to spend time remembering that I am His beloved Child and I am not just a description of my various pointless activities or the sum of my mistakes. I am HIS and He has much to restore me with. I really should know by now that I am not supposed to go about spreading God's love without having first dwelt in Him myself.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
A New Blog!
Christians who think that the purchases they make are irrelevant to what it means to follow Jesus make me angry.
I decided to do something about it. Check it out:
Consuming Justice to bring about Peace
I decided to do something about it. Check it out:
Consuming Justice to bring about Peace
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
(Seniors in) Social Activism - Informational and Collaborative Session
I didn't really know what I was getting myself into.
I work in the kitchen at an upscale retirement home. Its lovely, and very much about keeping the seniors entertained, like a never-ending cruise vacation. Many of the residents are still in their right minds. I know that if I was in their position, I would find this environment stifling. I felt that maybe the seniors were thirsty for something more meaningful. I decided to start a Social Activism Club.
After I got the okay from my boss, I booked the theatre and arrived early to rearrange the seating at the front into a circle for a discussion. The first lady rolled in and sat way at the back. I encouraged her to come closer but she informed me that she always sat in the back and she liked it best there. We got in a nice discussion anyway and I felt like I made a new friend.
Soon about nine more people came, including a woman in her thirties who works for one of the residents. I introduced myself and explained that this was to be a collaboration session for a social justice club. I told them about my idea to pick issues that we cared about. Then we could get together and do something about those issues. I suggested letter writing to governments or newspapers, sock knitting, cookie baking and encouragement card making. I asked what people thought.
Cue the crickets.
I shuffled in my seat awkwardly. The young woman smirked at me.
"Is this something you guys would be interested in doing?" I probed.
"Well, as far as resources go, we have money." a man said.
I said I didn't want this to be about spending money, but he made the point that the people who lived here were definitely not short on cash. I realized that I wasn't used to dealing with people who had money, so I decided to be open to the idea.
"Then maybe we could sponsor a low-income family!" I suggested.
"I don't want to donate anything!" an angry woman cried out. "I donate to the blind, I give my clothes to the Salvation Army! I've been giving my whole life! I don't want to spend more money!"
"Well, is there any issue you'd be interested in getting involved in?" I asked her.
"No, not really!" she replied, crossing her arms.
"Stephen Harper was in town," a voice called from a couple rows back. "Did you know that?"
I affirmed that I did.
He went on, "I didn't know he was here until I read it in the paper myself. And do you know why he was here? His son had a volleyball tournament. How come we didn't find out the results of the volleyball tournament? Why wasn't that in the paper? Thousands of people come to our city for a tournament and we don't even find out the results! That's something we could write to the paper about!"
"I don't care about volleyball!" the angry woman called out.
"Probably they all only came to see the prime minister," another lady cracked.
Then someone mused about how she didn't know who to vote for. I said that was something we could discuss. Someone asked me if our area's representatives were coming to the home. I said I didn't know.
A discussion began about how we should write letters telling our local government to place a few benches between the retirement home and the nearby mall so that residents could walk to the mall comfortably.
Around this time, my new friend, the lady in the very back, got up and left.
A woman who came in late piped up, "I missed the first part of this meeting. I was wondering, what does justice in Canada have to do with justice in the theatre?"
*Umm, what?* I explained my idea again and tried to explain to her that though we were meeting in the theatre, we weren't trying to achieve justice for the theatre. I asked if that clarified things for her. She said it didn't. I didn't know what to say.
Group discussion continued, this time about pension plans and how the roads in our area aren't what they used to be. For most of this part I just sat there bewildered.
I realized that activism might be too high a goal at this point. They sure seemed to like to discuss things though.
I proposed an idea. Maybe we could start a discussion forum on issues of social justice. This idea seemed to be received well. I looked at my watch. 2:35. We were supposed to go until 2:45 but I figured there wasn't much point in continuing so I closed the meeting. This made some of the ladies mad.
"What are we supposed to do with the next half hour?!"
"I thought this well supposed to go until 3!"
"Well, I guess I can read a book or something..."
Some of the men stayed behind. We got in a discussion about whether or not unions have made things better for the average working man in the last 50 years. One guy formerly worked for unions while the other had worked in management his whole life. Themes of socialism, feminism and materialism were brought up. My heart leaped. Coherent discussions could be had after all!
Perhaps there is hope for my little club!
I will certainly do things differently next time. I plan on breaking people off into smaller groups to be guided by discussion sheets. I plan on asking questions that will allow for them to incorporate their own personal experiences into their answers. Hopefully that works out less awkwardly. In any case, I'm sure its only me and the other young woman who remember how awkward the last session was.
I will probably do it differently the third time I go about this. After all, I have no idea what I'm doing.
And if this doesn't work out, that's okay too. But it would be cool if it did.
I work in the kitchen at an upscale retirement home. Its lovely, and very much about keeping the seniors entertained, like a never-ending cruise vacation. Many of the residents are still in their right minds. I know that if I was in their position, I would find this environment stifling. I felt that maybe the seniors were thirsty for something more meaningful. I decided to start a Social Activism Club.
After I got the okay from my boss, I booked the theatre and arrived early to rearrange the seating at the front into a circle for a discussion. The first lady rolled in and sat way at the back. I encouraged her to come closer but she informed me that she always sat in the back and she liked it best there. We got in a nice discussion anyway and I felt like I made a new friend.
Soon about nine more people came, including a woman in her thirties who works for one of the residents. I introduced myself and explained that this was to be a collaboration session for a social justice club. I told them about my idea to pick issues that we cared about. Then we could get together and do something about those issues. I suggested letter writing to governments or newspapers, sock knitting, cookie baking and encouragement card making. I asked what people thought.
Cue the crickets.
I shuffled in my seat awkwardly. The young woman smirked at me.
"Is this something you guys would be interested in doing?" I probed.
"Well, as far as resources go, we have money." a man said.
I said I didn't want this to be about spending money, but he made the point that the people who lived here were definitely not short on cash. I realized that I wasn't used to dealing with people who had money, so I decided to be open to the idea.
"Then maybe we could sponsor a low-income family!" I suggested.
"I don't want to donate anything!" an angry woman cried out. "I donate to the blind, I give my clothes to the Salvation Army! I've been giving my whole life! I don't want to spend more money!"
"Well, is there any issue you'd be interested in getting involved in?" I asked her.
"No, not really!" she replied, crossing her arms.
"Stephen Harper was in town," a voice called from a couple rows back. "Did you know that?"
I affirmed that I did.
He went on, "I didn't know he was here until I read it in the paper myself. And do you know why he was here? His son had a volleyball tournament. How come we didn't find out the results of the volleyball tournament? Why wasn't that in the paper? Thousands of people come to our city for a tournament and we don't even find out the results! That's something we could write to the paper about!"
"I don't care about volleyball!" the angry woman called out.
"Probably they all only came to see the prime minister," another lady cracked.
Then someone mused about how she didn't know who to vote for. I said that was something we could discuss. Someone asked me if our area's representatives were coming to the home. I said I didn't know.
A discussion began about how we should write letters telling our local government to place a few benches between the retirement home and the nearby mall so that residents could walk to the mall comfortably.
Around this time, my new friend, the lady in the very back, got up and left.
A woman who came in late piped up, "I missed the first part of this meeting. I was wondering, what does justice in Canada have to do with justice in the theatre?"
*Umm, what?* I explained my idea again and tried to explain to her that though we were meeting in the theatre, we weren't trying to achieve justice for the theatre. I asked if that clarified things for her. She said it didn't. I didn't know what to say.
Group discussion continued, this time about pension plans and how the roads in our area aren't what they used to be. For most of this part I just sat there bewildered.
I realized that activism might be too high a goal at this point. They sure seemed to like to discuss things though.
I proposed an idea. Maybe we could start a discussion forum on issues of social justice. This idea seemed to be received well. I looked at my watch. 2:35. We were supposed to go until 2:45 but I figured there wasn't much point in continuing so I closed the meeting. This made some of the ladies mad.
"What are we supposed to do with the next half hour?!"
"I thought this well supposed to go until 3!"
"Well, I guess I can read a book or something..."
Some of the men stayed behind. We got in a discussion about whether or not unions have made things better for the average working man in the last 50 years. One guy formerly worked for unions while the other had worked in management his whole life. Themes of socialism, feminism and materialism were brought up. My heart leaped. Coherent discussions could be had after all!
Perhaps there is hope for my little club!
I will certainly do things differently next time. I plan on breaking people off into smaller groups to be guided by discussion sheets. I plan on asking questions that will allow for them to incorporate their own personal experiences into their answers. Hopefully that works out less awkwardly. In any case, I'm sure its only me and the other young woman who remember how awkward the last session was.
I will probably do it differently the third time I go about this. After all, I have no idea what I'm doing.
And if this doesn't work out, that's okay too. But it would be cool if it did.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Serve Anyway
The Paradoxical Commandments
by Dr. Kent M. Keith
1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
3. If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
6. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
7. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
10. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.
© 1968, 2001 Kent M. Keith
"The Paradoxical Commandments" were written by Kent M. Keith in 1968 as part of a booklet for student leaders.
by Dr. Kent M. Keith
1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
3. If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
6. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
7. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
10. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.
© 1968, 2001 Kent M. Keith
"The Paradoxical Commandments" were written by Kent M. Keith in 1968 as part of a booklet for student leaders.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
44/52 - An Ecumenical Experiment
A theme that seems to be developing in various aspects of my life, but especially within the commmunity house (now called The Harbour, by the way) has been the idea of the need for unity among Christians, despite our differing opinions and backgrounds.
Within this house and associated boyfriends, at least six different denominations are represented - Reformed, Baptist, Pentacostal, Mennonite and United.
Some of us have a more conservative way of viewing life and faith and how it should be lived out and some of us are more liberal. Yet all of us are committed to our one God, this community and to learning how to coexist and love each other.
I believe then, that a valuable mission this house could undertake would be in learning to listen to not just each other's voices, but the voices of various congregations within the city of Waterloo.
Online, there are forty-four churches that advertise on the City of Waterloo's website: http://www.city.waterloo.on.ca/DesktopDefault.aspx?tabID=260.
I think it would be an interesting experiment with Christian unity and mutual understanding to visit each of these churches on a typical Sunday morning, e-mailing each of them ahead of time explaining who we are and what we are doing, attaching a short survey asking their perspectives on what it means to follow Jesus, who in their congregation does an exemplary job of doing this and what about their denomination or congregation is most misunderstood by the Church of general public. Finally, we will invite each pastor and his/her family to come over to our house for lunch after the service.
The goal would be to gain a more thorough understanding of the Christian spectrum within Waterloo, gaining their perspectives on us and what we do as a house and to promote the importance of ecumenism in Waterloo.
I hypothesize that there is a wealth of untapped potential in various sincere Christian voices listening to and understanding each other, even if those voices may contradict at times.
Within this house and associated boyfriends, at least six different denominations are represented - Reformed, Baptist, Pentacostal, Mennonite and United.
Some of us have a more conservative way of viewing life and faith and how it should be lived out and some of us are more liberal. Yet all of us are committed to our one God, this community and to learning how to coexist and love each other.
I believe then, that a valuable mission this house could undertake would be in learning to listen to not just each other's voices, but the voices of various congregations within the city of Waterloo.
Online, there are forty-four churches that advertise on the City of Waterloo's website: http://www.city.waterloo.on.ca/DesktopDefault.aspx?tabID=260.
I think it would be an interesting experiment with Christian unity and mutual understanding to visit each of these churches on a typical Sunday morning, e-mailing each of them ahead of time explaining who we are and what we are doing, attaching a short survey asking their perspectives on what it means to follow Jesus, who in their congregation does an exemplary job of doing this and what about their denomination or congregation is most misunderstood by the Church of general public. Finally, we will invite each pastor and his/her family to come over to our house for lunch after the service.
The goal would be to gain a more thorough understanding of the Christian spectrum within Waterloo, gaining their perspectives on us and what we do as a house and to promote the importance of ecumenism in Waterloo.
I hypothesize that there is a wealth of untapped potential in various sincere Christian voices listening to and understanding each other, even if those voices may contradict at times.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I'm Bored.
A few times a week it is only me and my boss in the kitchen for roughly half an hour. A couple months ago I attempted to tell him about the community house but really butchered it and basically made it sound like I was part of a cult. I've been attempting to redeem that image of us for him ever since.
When he asks me what I did on the weekend, I occasionally have an opportunity to tell him about SHOW, an apartment complex built by local churches that houses formerly homeless people. I was there last week as well, so I told him about my experience that week.
That week at SHOW one of the residents made a big, awkward, threatening kerfuffle as we all sat around in the common room eating cookies and playing cards with the residents. It lasted a while, him walking around shouting about how he didn't like Christians, getting close to people's faces and insulting them. I was terrified. Eventually one of the workers at SHOW who was a woman came in and calmed him done. I want to be like her when I grow up.
So I had the opportunity to explain this situation to my boss. He said it was a shame that stuff like that happens because it might prevent people from going back. I explained to him that I think everyone gets a high from something. Sometimes its alcohol, sports, drugs, the outdoors, dangerous sports... people seem to like the thrill of not quite knowing what will happen. I explained to him that these kinds of occurrences are how I get my high.
And last night we talked about war and peace in Forum. And it was brought up about how God's goal is not our protection. I firmly believe that its a Christian's responsibility to let go of their need to be protected so that they can love everyone, and not just those its comfortable to love.
But I feel like except for the once in a while encounters at SHOW, my life is sorely lacking that kind of adventure.
I'm super bored and I want to live a more terrifying life. I want it to infiltrate the routine of my life.
I don't want to live a safe and protected life!
And eventually I don't want it to be quite so motivated by the high I get from being in scary circumstances of service... and more motivated by actual love, but I'm not there yet.
But in the meantime, I'm bored.
When he asks me what I did on the weekend, I occasionally have an opportunity to tell him about SHOW, an apartment complex built by local churches that houses formerly homeless people. I was there last week as well, so I told him about my experience that week.
That week at SHOW one of the residents made a big, awkward, threatening kerfuffle as we all sat around in the common room eating cookies and playing cards with the residents. It lasted a while, him walking around shouting about how he didn't like Christians, getting close to people's faces and insulting them. I was terrified. Eventually one of the workers at SHOW who was a woman came in and calmed him done. I want to be like her when I grow up.
So I had the opportunity to explain this situation to my boss. He said it was a shame that stuff like that happens because it might prevent people from going back. I explained to him that I think everyone gets a high from something. Sometimes its alcohol, sports, drugs, the outdoors, dangerous sports... people seem to like the thrill of not quite knowing what will happen. I explained to him that these kinds of occurrences are how I get my high.
And last night we talked about war and peace in Forum. And it was brought up about how God's goal is not our protection. I firmly believe that its a Christian's responsibility to let go of their need to be protected so that they can love everyone, and not just those its comfortable to love.
But I feel like except for the once in a while encounters at SHOW, my life is sorely lacking that kind of adventure.
I'm super bored and I want to live a more terrifying life. I want it to infiltrate the routine of my life.
I don't want to live a safe and protected life!
And eventually I don't want it to be quite so motivated by the high I get from being in scary circumstances of service... and more motivated by actual love, but I'm not there yet.
But in the meantime, I'm bored.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
A Reflection
I haven't written on this thing in awhile. I think its time I just plugged down and vomitted some thoughts, regardless of how unorganized they may be inside my head.
If you are unaware, I am a founding member of an experimental community house which officially started this September. Currently, there are five women and two men in this house.
I think what I have learned from past experiences with community is that the first few months are for figuring out what's what. What are our strengths? What are our weaknesses? What is tolerable and what needs to change as soon as possible? Is this an endeavor that actually seeks to follow God first and foremost?
I think, for better or for worse, I try to go into new situations like these with low expectations but high hopes. My heart is guarded by the realization that people are wounded from their pasts, plagued with the diseases of apathy and self-centeredness, and they are just plain busy. Therefore, people WILL let me down inevitably. And I will do the same to them. It also doesn't help that all of us are playing it by ear and really don't know that the heck we are doing.
BUT. God is bigger than our wounds, our apathy, our selfishness, our busy-ness and our lack of experience. And we love God and try to follow Him. Therefore, there is hope.
I love this house. I especially love certain moments when a spirit about this house quiets my soul and puts a tingle of joy in my spine. Its when Abram plays his guitar and sings in the living room. Or Kathleen practices piano downstairs for her volunteer position. Or Trevor makes curry and shares it. Or we all dip a spoon in my Nutella. Or Katie leads a devotion on meditation and it inspires the rest of us to get involved as a house in reaching out to others. Or Calida cleans, decorates and organizes the whole house in a weekend. Or Rebecca and Katie buy me groceries, fair trade stuff, and write me amazingly thoughtful and affirming cards for my birthday - just because they know that that's exactly what I would love.
I love that I can walk around braless and blurry eyed with tangled hair and stale, smudged mascara, in my sweats, well into the afternoon and not even think about whether or not my housemates will care.
This house has SO MANY amazing moments and undertones of love and acceptance. I believe that God is in them.
At the same time, we are nowhere near our original vision. Our house is perpetually untidy and borderline gross(which drives me nuts), we have far more ideas and good intentions than actual follow-up action, and we've been too busy, and perhaps apathetic in many cases, to bond as much as we should have in order to really build a community that can love and support eachother as a whole house and then in turn love and support our greater community as a house as well.
We have a lot to work on, which this semester has revealed to us. But we are growing, slowly but surely, and I'm so excited to see what next semester brings!
If you are unaware, I am a founding member of an experimental community house which officially started this September. Currently, there are five women and two men in this house.
I think what I have learned from past experiences with community is that the first few months are for figuring out what's what. What are our strengths? What are our weaknesses? What is tolerable and what needs to change as soon as possible? Is this an endeavor that actually seeks to follow God first and foremost?
I think, for better or for worse, I try to go into new situations like these with low expectations but high hopes. My heart is guarded by the realization that people are wounded from their pasts, plagued with the diseases of apathy and self-centeredness, and they are just plain busy. Therefore, people WILL let me down inevitably. And I will do the same to them. It also doesn't help that all of us are playing it by ear and really don't know that the heck we are doing.
BUT. God is bigger than our wounds, our apathy, our selfishness, our busy-ness and our lack of experience. And we love God and try to follow Him. Therefore, there is hope.
I love this house. I especially love certain moments when a spirit about this house quiets my soul and puts a tingle of joy in my spine. Its when Abram plays his guitar and sings in the living room. Or Kathleen practices piano downstairs for her volunteer position. Or Trevor makes curry and shares it. Or we all dip a spoon in my Nutella. Or Katie leads a devotion on meditation and it inspires the rest of us to get involved as a house in reaching out to others. Or Calida cleans, decorates and organizes the whole house in a weekend. Or Rebecca and Katie buy me groceries, fair trade stuff, and write me amazingly thoughtful and affirming cards for my birthday - just because they know that that's exactly what I would love.
I love that I can walk around braless and blurry eyed with tangled hair and stale, smudged mascara, in my sweats, well into the afternoon and not even think about whether or not my housemates will care.
This house has SO MANY amazing moments and undertones of love and acceptance. I believe that God is in them.
At the same time, we are nowhere near our original vision. Our house is perpetually untidy and borderline gross(which drives me nuts), we have far more ideas and good intentions than actual follow-up action, and we've been too busy, and perhaps apathetic in many cases, to bond as much as we should have in order to really build a community that can love and support eachother as a whole house and then in turn love and support our greater community as a house as well.
We have a lot to work on, which this semester has revealed to us. But we are growing, slowly but surely, and I'm so excited to see what next semester brings!
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