Homeless

I felt homeless this summer. I felt let down by my expectations of what life would be like once I was back and consiquently I felt let down by God. I felt as though I should be getting along better with the people in my life now that I've had this "transforming" year at Bible College.

I had not "transformed" except into some monster who aggrivated the hell out of my family and pushed away some friends. I started feeling as though I couldn't depend on God because my messy life was evidence that absolutely nothing in me changed enough to positively impact my relationships, especially with my family members.

Then, a particularly intense experience happened as I was walking home from work, at around 11:30 at night. It was a long walk, over an hour, but I had been fighting so much with my brother lately that I didn't dare call him up for a ride.

I was terrified. I started singing songs that automatically creep up when I'm feeling helpless like "I Cast All My Cares Upon You." Then, it dawned on me: God doesn't seem to effect anything, even if you desperately want Him to. He still lets rape and murder happen every hour of every day. So if He had not cared enough to transform me into some awesome person within the last year, why would He do something small like protect me then?

I did make it home safe but nevertheless it was an emptying experience - because, after all, not EVERYONE makes it home safe. Later I wept, feeling as though all this time I had served a God that didn't really give a damn. I felt hollow, lost, unwanted and physically and spiritually homeless. I determined I needed to harden myself, to not let it bother me that I had no place or Person to call home.

However, a little while later I was watching TV and while I was doing so, I absentmindedly felt the bookshelf beside me. I pulled out a book, opened to this page, and read the following:

"It is stupid to try to be 'hard', 'brave' or 'stoical' about that emotion we call 'homesickness' or 'lostness'. A continuity which can help in the tremendous upheavals in life is a continuity of things with which one is surrounded, even small things. It seems to me that some of the frustration of not being married, on the part of some men and women, is caused not only by lack of sexual fulfillment, but also by the lack of any sense of making a 'home' with a continuity of things, right now... Make the place where you live a place where you are expressing your own taste right now."
(Hidden Art by Edith Schaeffer)

It was exactly what I needed to read. It gave me hope because it affirmed my homesickness. It gave me hope because I had already been playing with an idea for a painting lately that I planned to put up in my new apartment. This seemed to perscribe that painting idea as a comforter. Lastly, it gave me hope because it was dedicated to "all my L'Abri family," which makes it personal since I was a part of the L'Abri family for awhile.

There is a point - This experience has served as a springboard for all I've been pursuing recently. I don't want, "God will change your heart if you just trust Him." I want tangible, practical ways to become more like Jesus because I've realized that is more the point of Christianity. Its not about having a spiritual insurance policy.

To me becoming more like Jesus mostly means learning how to love practically. I've also taken a huge interest in Beauty and the importance of its presence in life to comfort and enrich us - through decor, music, food, clothes, whatever. (The rest of Hidden Art speaks of these things. Awesome book.)

So this is where I'm coming from right now. Enjoy!